Facing the Raven

Facing the Raven

Black ink pours down this face, like tears flood this page - tears and ink, on this face, on this very page, they speak of death and loss and compassion. My companion, my friend, my Clara Oswald, taken by a raven - the Raven - and no doctor, not even the Doctor, could save her. What use is it? To breathe and gasp new air and sip stars like water - what use is it to live and be alive? No rose and no river, no pond and no temple, and no more impossible girl. My life has been a series of deaths and I wonder now, once again, why I continue to regenerate. It is a great injustice that I live, and others, who are infinitely better than I, are forced to die. My ship sails dangerous waters, and I make sure they always know, before they run away with me. They know, and yet they run, they come leaving their little lives to see time and space with me. We save lives, we save worlds - but what does any of that matter when we cannot save ourselves? Now another is gone, and I can scarcely even breathe. What use is it to be a lord of Time when all the entirety of my past and future is choking with the sands of death? And there is never any time left to stay in the present - there are things to be seen, monsters to be slayed, wars to be won. Who do I fool by calling myself the Doctor? Once I acknowledge my true nature, this Warrior will destroy the universe twelve times and then come back for the thirteenth, and yet vengeance will not be sought. I save you, and in return you take away everything from me. But I will try, I will try my very best, to reign in my tides, because demons run when a good man goes to war, because I promised not to seek revenge. Nobody else will die, she said, just because I have to die. How does that work, Clara, please do tell? How do you expect me to sit or fly past you without trying to rescue you? I am willing to kill, Clara, I am willing to break all the rules. I will wage war with this world, with myself, and watch from the skies as I see Creation burn. You know what I am capable of, and I am this close to giving in. But I have to be strong, just like you were. You brave, brave girl. I hope I can be half the Doctor you were.